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I recently started reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman, M.D. I appreciate how this book doesn’t flinch from the truths of trauma. In fact, Dr. Herman directly names how it is human nature to deny, minimize, or sugarcoat trauma—and how that instinct has historically led to setbacks in understanding, researching, and even remembering trauma.
Dr. Mardi Horowitz defines traumatic events as those that cannot be assimilated with the person’s "inner schemata" of self in relation to the world. In other words, trauma shatters our core understandings—about safety, identity, and about the basic structure and meaning of life.
This is why trauma isn’t just about what happened. It’s about what was mangled inside of us.
As a therapist, part my job is to recognize sobering truths, no matter how unspeakable. One of those truths is that the language we often use—“healing” or “recovery”—carry an unfortunate implication: that it is possible to return to who we were before trauma. This is a misunderstanding.
Trauma doesn’t work like that. By definition, it changes us. It’s like a stone that has shattered—even if the pieces are glued back together, they are not the same as they were before. And that isn’t failure. It’s reality.
There is grief in this—grief for versions of ourselves, for what has been lost, and for what could have been. We can honor this grief rather than shaming ourselves for not being able to return.
And maybe, part of true recovery is letting go of the illusion that full return is possible. And letting go of a certain timeline of when we should be "better" by. These illusions sneakily deny the very impact of trauma itself.
Naming our trauma is a step towards a recovery grounded in reality. Not based in erasure or perfection, but in presence, honesty, and the slow adaptation of something new.
-Sarah Schieffelin, LCPC
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Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical, legal, or therapeutic advice. Reading or responding to this does not establish a therapist-client relationship. If you are in crisis or need immediate support, please call 911 or contact a crisis helpline.
