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No one on this planet thinks about you as much as you think about yourself.
Whenever I post polls on social media about what people want to read about, the themes of self-worth, not being good enough, not being deserving, and comparing ourselves to other people always come up. I have written extensively on the topics of self-worth and self-love, but I think one major piece I have been neglecting to broach is that of self-centered fear.
Self-worth and fear of what others think about us go hand-in-hand.
When we are struggling with our feelings of self-worth, there are usually two factors involved. One is that we genuinely and internally have lacked a sense of self for most of our lives. The other (much more common) factor is that we project our fear of unworthiness onto others. We throw our negative self-talk onto the blank slate of other individuals—whether they're personal friends and family or strangers on the internet that validate us through social media—then internalize the judgment that we are assuming that they have.
What I'm saying is this: We live in our assumptions of what others think of us. We let these fears and assumptions dictate the person that we try to be—our outer selves, or the part of us that we show to the world.
We often tell ourselves—sometimes consciously, sometimes unconsciously—that we aren't good enough. But the real question is: Good enough for who? Do we feel as though we aren’t good enough? Or do we fear that others feel we are not good enough? These are two completely different, yet often intertwined, internal dynamics at play.
For this article, I am going to focus solely on the fear of what others think about us.
When I was early in my sobriety in a 12-step-program, I remember being consumed with what we call “self-centered fear.” This term means that our fear is derived from what others think, feel, and say about us. It was so bad that I couldn’t get up to go to the bathroom during a staff meeting or a 12-step meeting due to the fear of people judging me if I stood up to leave the room.
But when I dig deeper, what was the judgment I was so afraid of?
This is an easy one to answer. I was afraid that people would think I was rude, that I was wearing clothes that they didn’t like, or that I would be perceived a certain way superficially (too short, too thin, too fat, too ugly, too pretty, too much effort, not enough effort), etc.
Essentially, I was afraid of being seen.
The first time I was asked to tell my story at a 12-step meeting in a rehab for the patients, I was paralyzed with fear. I was so caught up in what the audience was going to think about me. Was my story bad enough? Was I a “real” alcoholic if I got sober so young? Was I going to gain their trust and respect even though I didn’t hit some of the “bottoms” that they might have?
I must have looked noticeably nervous, because the secretary of the meeting leaned over to me and said, “Don’t worry, everyone is probably thinking about themselves.”
That statement has never left me. How much of our lives do we spend worrying about what others think about us, feel about us, say about us, and whether or not they’re judging us?
The reality is that most human beings are concerned about this. Even—and especially—the people who proclaim, “I don’t care what anyone thinks about me,” want to show the world an image of themselves that screams nonchalance and apathy. But that, in and of itself, is an image to show the world
I used to be paralyzed by fear that I would judged. That I would be seen. I changed myself to be less authentic, and to fit in more. If I truly play the tape through, the worst thing that can happen from being authentic is that someone does, in fact, judge me. Then what? Will it decrease my self-worth? Will it stop me from stepping into the light of truth? Will it ruin my life?
Not without my permission.
When I'm struck by the thought, "Ugh, I'm not good enough," I can almost hear myself saying to my patients, “Good enough for who?”
Am I good enough for myself? Absolutely. But when I fall into the trap of projecting my expectations of myself onto others, that’s when I fall into the hole of becoming invested in what others may or may not think of me.
The hard truth is this: No one on this planet thinks about you as much as you think about yourself! We live in our heads about what others may think. The kicker is that those people that you’re concerned with are living in their heads thinking about what you may think. We stay isolated in our own constructed, maladaptive narratives that separate us from our fellows.
How am I supposed to have genuine connections with anyone if I’m not allowing myself to be genuine? If my behaviors, thoughts, patterns, appearance, and even feelings are being dictated by how I think you think I should be?
This manifests in our sex lives (not communicating effectively, pretending we like something that we don’t, etc), in our relationships (trying to be who you want me to be, jeopardizing my worth and my authenticity to meet you at the level of your needs or wants), in our work life (settling for less than we truly deserve, changing ourselves to fit a mold of what we think we should be), in our families (playing the role that we always have, not setting boundaries)—essentially, in every single area of our lives.
How would you think, act, feel, or behave if you weren’t being dictated by what you think others expect of you? What would be different in your life if you let go of the fear of what others think? Would you still be in your current relationship? Would you still be in your one-sided and sometimes draining friendships? Would you stay at your job? Would you keep frequenting the same social situations? Would you be able to set and maintain boundaries? Would you communicate more effectively and directly? Would you be as people-pleasing? Would you think less of yourself, or grow into your own strength and empowerment?
These are tough questions. And you don’t need to answer them right now, not by any means. But let this article be a guide—a starting point, even—to start to lean into your truth.
One more time: No one—literally no one—on this planet thinks about you as much as you think about yourself. And while that may feel defeating or even lonely, let it be a call to freedom. You are free to be you. There is no individual, no group of people in this world that need to dictate who you are.
