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Author's Note: I know this title is super harsh, but this is an important read. If something below ignites a flame of anger inside you, use that to further navigate through the root of that emotional stimulation. Often, when we are secure about something, we don't get angry or defensive. If you experience any of these emotional reactions, be kind to yourself.
This is a continuation of the post, "Why Your Relationships Don't Last - Part 1"
2. The "I'm Bad at Commitment" One
Second, the “I’m just bad at commitment” individual. UGH. Let’s start with the basics. Change your narrative! No one is inherently “bad” at anything (except maybe math). The more you tell yourself you’re not good at something, the more you’ll believe it to be true. Saying “I’m bad at commitment or relationships” is just a way of saying “I have some issues I’ve never dealt with and am not willing to deal with, so I’m going to label myself as bad at this.” Like, what?! Let’s look at the root of this problem.
It’s obviously a problem if you’re even reading this article and this segment applies to you. When did you start feeling like you were bad at commitment? Was it after a relationship that ended badly and left you feeling rejected and hurt? Was it watching your parents divorce and internalizing that all relationships inevitably fail so why even try?
We all have core issues, narratives that we’ve constructed or have been constructed in us, shaping the way we think and feel about the world. It’s not a weakness, it’s a very human experience that most of us have. In Psychology, we call them “schemas,” a fancy named for “worldview.” If you were in a long term relationship and your significant other cheated on you, you have publicly sworn off commitment and vulnerability. Internally, however, you’re fearful and in pain. The emotional experience of betrayal and rejection are incredibly powerful. They cause us to doubt ourselves and can shatter our self-worth.
Often, the people who have been hurt the most are the ones who will refuse to allow themselves to be close to another human being. These type often choose the labels of “forever alone” or “not a relationship kind of guy/girl/person.” And that’s fine! Until you get into a relationship with someone, realize that you can actually see a future with them, and as soon as the novelty and “sparks” start to die out, you feel the impending doom of rejection and abandonment again. You can read more about closure here.
So what do you do then?
THERAPY. I can’t stress this enough. Once again, you aren’t going to think your way out of emotional pain and the muscle-memory of putting your walls up. Find out what your core issues are, and ADDRESS THEM. We’ve all heard the adage, “hurt people hurt people,” and this is annoying cliché but very, very true. As I’ve written before, time does not heal all wounds. It just passes and our old traumas and pain continue to rear their ugly heads in our relationships. You’re not “bad” at commitment or relationships. You have unresolved pain.
3. The Insecure One
Third, let’s take the person who struggles with their own sense of self. Self-worth, self-esteem, and self-love may be lacking. As I’ve written in previous articles, and quoted from The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” If at our core we don’t believe we are worthy of love and stable attachment, we will inadvertently or quite purposefully sabotage what we have. This can be true for a healthy relationship, a good career, and any other area of life in which we don’t feel deserving.
During the honeymoon stage of a relationship, it’s easier to accept love and validation. “This person doesn’t really know me yet,” we may tell ourselves. “Just wait,” we may think and even say to them. As the novelty wears off and we begin to get comfortable enough to show our true selves, that’s when the fear may begin to strike. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “why is this person still with me?” It has nothing to do with them and everything to do with you and your lack of self-worth. Read this for more clarity on the subject.
The solution here is not to push your partner away in order to fulfill your self-defeating belief that you are unlovable, unworthy, or simply not enough. This is often what we end up doing. I once read that our self-destructive tendencies always serve a purpose; Here the purpose is to prove to ourselves that all that negative self-talk is actually accurate and we are destined to be alone. The solution, rather, is to begin by cultivating a core level of worthiness. In 12-step programs, I've often heard: "in order to have self-esteem, start by doing esteem-able things." There is absolutely some truth to this, but the real work (in my opinion) lies in undoing the old patterns of behavior that have become ingrained in us.
Our task is not to go out and seek the perfect partner. It is not to change everything about ourselves to meet the needs of our partner. It is not to go out and find the best clothes, makeup, haircut, and so on. The real task is to turn our giant magnifying glass inward and identify what has been blocking us from genuine love, intimacy, and connection. These barriers can range from childhood or adult trauma to core beliefs about our worth. The barrier can be a painful breakup that led us to build a wall internally so that no one could ever hurt us again. Maybe the barrier is that you didn't receive the love and nurture you needed as a child and internalized it into your entire sense of self. Find out what your barriers are, and do everything in your power to start knocking them down. THIS is the work.
Continue reading in Part 3: Expectations, Overthinking, and Codependency
