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Author's Note: I know this title is super harsh, but this is an important read. If something below ignites a flame of anger inside you, use that to further navigate through the root of that emotional stimulation. Often, when we are secure about something, we don't get angry or defensive. If you experience any of these emotional reactions, be kind to yourself.
This is a continuation of the posts "Why Your Relationships Don't Last - Part 1" and "Why Your Relationships Don't Last - Part 2"
4. The Overthinking One
Here we have the projector/fear-based/always expecting the worse/manifester of problems. Manifester isn’t a word, but I like it and it gets the point across. For those of you who were answering my Instagram questions and polls, and identified that overthinking was a problem for you, this is your segment.
This individual cannot for the life of them stay present in the relationship because they are terrified of their partner leaving them. What if I lose you? What if you leave me? What if something horrible happens to you? What if you find out who I really am and don't like what you see? This can be a combination of the insecure one and the codependent one (listed below).
We will find what we're looking for. If you are hell-bent on finding evidence that your partner is losing interest and will leave you, you'll find it. On the flip side, if you are looking for cues from your partner that they are invested and committed, you'll find that too! Be mindful of the narrative you've been constructing in your head about yourself and your partner.
Overthinking is a tough one. It'll rip through our psyches and cause us to feel disconnected, isolated, and alone. We may tell ourselves we're "crazy," but overthinking is a common experience that most human beings are plagued with. You are not alone! You are not crazy! But if you shove these catastrophizing thoughts down and don't talk about, write about, or process them, they will manifest into incredibly unhealthy behaviors. Again, this is where self-sabotage can rear its ugly head. Read the article on self-sabotage here.
5. The Codependent One
Lastly, the “I’m all in–to the point where I’ve lost myself” type. This one may have sacrificed all the parts of themselves that makes them unique and individual to meet the needs of their partner. This can range from the way they dress, talk, think, and feel. They may “love” the person so much that they’ve allowed themselves to be completely morphed into a different version of themselves. As the honeymoon stage wears off, so does the person’s individuality.
They have become a part of their partner, and feel that they would be lost or die without them. Maybe they’re on the other end of the extreme and are trying to control their partner to be who they want them to be. Usually, these two types of people attract each other. The passive, adaptable, almost camouflaging type, and the controlling, manipulative, “this is how you should be” type. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to codependency! And just for the record, you don’t have to be an Alpha Male to be controlling and manipulative. I watch women do this all the time as well. The gender roles that can come into play with these case conceptualizations are hilarious to me because we all can exhibit different parts of each behavior.
The most helpful exercise for me regarding any level of codependency, which I define as "my well being or contentment being contingent on anything outside of my self," was reading and completing the questions in Melody Beattie's The Codependent Guide to the 12 Steps. You can get it on Amazon.
The stark reality is that most human beings are going to exhibit a level of codependency. Again, we are wired for connection. Our ability to have a healthy, interdependent connection is insanely hindered by cultural and societal norms, as well as our upbringing. We are never provided a tool guide or handbook on how to have healthy relations. If anything, what is modeled to us is incredibly unhealthy. "You're my other half" is an extremely codependent way of saying "I am only half of a person without you." What?! Nope. Absolutely not. I want to be a whole person who is able to come together with another whole person and make something so much bigger than us. I don't ever want to be in a dynamic where I feel that I am less of a person without my partner. Do they build me up and complement my shortcomings? Absolutely. Do I challenge myself to be better because of them? Maybe! But without them, I would still survive, thrive, and do the best I can.
There are many more "types" of people in relationships, but this article is becoming super long and most of us don't have the patience or attention span to keep going.
For now, I'll leave you with this:
- You are human. You are not, nor will ever be, perfect. Identify what has been blocking you from healthy relationships.
- Stop focusing on how everyone else falls short of your ideals.
- Deal with your shit instead of giving yourself an excuse to keep hurting people.
- Ask for help. Talk about it. Process with someone you trust. If you can afford it and are courageous enough, go to therapy. The money you spend will be an investment to your quality of life.
- You are not crazy. You are not broken. You are not unworthy. You, and everyone else still reading this have the same struggles. Just because you've always had a certain pattern of behavior doesn't mean you always will. "This is just how I am" is a giant excuse that enables you to stay comfortable in your misery.
It can, and it does, get better.
